While my first reaction to being trapped this way was one of anger, I soon learned that my captors were benevolent. They merely wanted the help of the leader of the dominat religion on Earth. (Many of you might be wondering why SPANDEXism is the world's dominant religion. In matters of religion, dominance is measured not in number of members, but in control of the 7 points of power. The Jews have one (The Wailing Wall), the Catholics one (Vatican City), the Moslems two (the Dome on the Rock and Mecca), but 3 are controlled by the forces of SPANDEX (ZZYZX Road; Annandale, NY; and Lusk, WY). The attentive reader may have noticed that two of them are within a stones throw (literally) from each other. That may explain why there are so many holy wars in that region.) They were trapped 27 parsecs from home and were almost out of gas. They begged me for help. How could I do anything but agree?
They beamed me down to Norristown, Pennsylvania. They gave me the address of the one person who knew enough about fuel creation to help out these aliens. However, I was unsure if I could convince him to help me. On one hand, he was the father of a friend of mine. However he had frequently spoken out against the HOLY WORD. He even- at one point- tried to censor THE GOOD BOOK; he put a bomb under the printing press. Of course, little did he know the power of SPANDEX. The bomb, halfway through exploding, turned itself into a beam of energy which carved a picture of SPANDEX into the moon. That is after all a main goal of SPANDEXism- turn your weaknesses into strengths.
I went into the house. I felt no fear for I knew that my SPANDEX medallion would protect me from all harm. My foe did not know my true name, so how could I be harmed? I started my pitch to save the aliens. He didn't look to happy about the idea. While I was trying to convince him, a phrase flashed through my mind: "If you cannot convince him, we will destroy your planet." Perhaps they were not so friendly after all; all I knew that I had better be able to convince him.
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